“Earth to David; Earth calling David. Can you hear me, David?” Charles shouted through hands cupped around his mouth like a megaphone. “I lost you there for a few minutes, Sweetheart. Where did you go?”
“Sorry, Charles. I was just remembering something Boops said to me once.”
“I bet it was about me. Did you tell her everything about us?”
“No-oo, I didn’t tell her everything. What makes you think it was about you, anyway? Is your ego that big, or are you that insecure?”
“Whenever you had your private visits with her, it was usually to discuss me, weren’t they?”
“Not exactly, not all the time. There are things between us that I consider too sacred to share with a friend, even a close friend like Boops.”
“Like what, for instance. Tell me something about us that you never told Boops.”
“Okay. For instance, once when we first met she tried to find out what you were like in bed. She made a comment in such a way as to dare me to contradict her.”
“Oh, yeah, what did she say?” Charles demanded.
“She said she bet you were like a boy in more ways than one.”
“So she thought I’m poorly equipped! I hope you set her straight,” Charles huffed.
“I did no such thing. I told her that was nothing she needed to be concerned with because I was satisfied.”
“Satisfied? You never told her that I’m hung bigger than you?”
“Charles, that’s something I would never breathe to a living soul,” David said assuredly with a grin.
“Never mind!” Charles scowled. “Enough of idle talk. We still have quite a bit to get done before you have to get ready to go out this evening. Speaking of which, here is your tuxedo, but I can’t find mine anywhere.”
“Perhaps it’s at the cleaners. You’re always forgetting to pick things up and I never know what you’ve dropped off,” David offered by means of explanation to change the subject.
“I just hope it hasn’t been lost. I love that tux. You bought it for me to attend the Metropolitan Opera. That was my first trip to New York, remember? You know I’ve always said that I want―”
“Yes, Charles! I know what you’ve always said about that goddamned tux,” David snapped. “We’ll find it, okay?”
“No need to get your panties in a wad, Muriel! At least you have yours to wear tonight” Charles replied.
“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go off on you like that, especially to now. Now about tonight―”
“How many times do I have to go through this with you, David? You have to go. You’re going. That’s the end of it!” Charles stated emphatically.
“But there’s so much to be done here. I hate the thought of goin’ out and seein’ people without you.”
Charles wrapped his arms around David and pressed him to his heart. “Don’t be silly, Loverman. You and I have gone stag to things before; business functions where our relationship would not have been deemed appropriate. It’s just how things worked out sometimes. This is a very special night. I don’t mind, David.”
Pushing away, David spat, “But I do! Especially this time. I mean it, Charles. Please don’t make me leave you.”
“David, c’mon now, really! A lot of trouble has be gone to and a lot of money spent on this party. You should want to go. It means a lot to me to know that you’ll be there with people you know.”
“But, Charles―” David pleaded.
“No, buts! I’m perfectly fine here. I’ll do what I can to finish up and then will probably go on to the new place.”
“No!” David protested. “I want you here when I get home!”
“David, my love, I said I will do what I can here and check on things at the new place. I will see you in the morning. Period, end of discussion.”
Realizing that there was nothing to do but give in David replied, “Okay, fine. Let’s not spend the rest of our afternoon arguing.”
Triumphantly, Charles cheered his lover’s surrender. “That’s the spirit! Besides, you know I’m right. Who was it who said you never say no to me without a gasp of astonishment? Did I miss the gasp? Do it again for me so I can hear it,” Charles teased.
“Rule one about arguing: no gloating.”
“My God, David, where would we be without your rules.” Charles continued separating clothes from a large pile. “What about these sweaters. They’re nice but I don’t want them anymore. Do you want to keep them or should I put them in the donation box?”
David was busy with sorting of his own and so responded without looking up. “Cashmere, silk, or wool?” he asked.
“Wool,” Charles answered.
“Donation box,” David said. As Charles pitched them individually into the box, one of them caught David’s eye. “Wait a minute,” he said as he stood and walked over to the carton. He picked up the sweater in question and sniffed at it. “I’ll keep this one.”
Seeing David sniff at the garment sent Charles into laughter. “You look like you just took a hit of poppers!” he finally managed to exclaim. “Let me take a whiff of that!” Charles grabbed the sweater back and smelled it. “I should have known: Obsession for Men. Shouldn’t it have been called Obsession with Men?”
David just laughed and shook his head, “It was your sweater and your cologne.”
Charles dismissed the accusation. “Whatever. Keep it, if you want to. What about these jeans? Do you want to sniff at the crotches first?”
“Cunt.” David replied. “Let’s only keep the thirty-one inch waists. Those would be mine. Yours you can do with―”
“And you called me a ―. Wait a minute. What did you just call me?” Charles demanded to know.
David flashed an innocent smile and said quietly, “I said we should only save the thirty-one inch waists and you can do whatever you want with the rest of them.”
Charles wasn’t about to let him off the hook that easily. “No, no, no. There was a c-word in there somewhere and it wasn’t Charles!”
David acted oblivious to what Charles had said and continued as though he hadn’t been interrupted. “Doctor Phil says if we don’t keep our larger clothes, we won’t expand back into them.”
“Planning a new diet, Sugar? Why? You’re already sexy and trim as you are.” Then the light went on in Charles’ brain. “Hey, are you saying my jeans are too big for you?”
“Get with the times. They aren’t’ called ‘diets’ anymore. The new term is ‘lifestyle change.’ For the record, I never said you’re fat. I just need to remember that there is no comfort for me in food. That’s all.”
“Sometimes, my love, you worry me,” Charles said.
“I worry you? Mister Pot, are we to understand you have evidence to present to this court?” David was clearly surprised at the notion he ever caused anyone a moment of worry.
“Actually,” Charles began as he walked over to the dresser. He pulled open one of the drawers and felt around in the back of it until he found the evidence he sought. Presenting a thong he asked, “Remember this, Sweet Cheeks? Three weeks of a personal trainer, though let us keep in mind it was only two one-hour sessions per week, and you were ready to strut your stuff on the beach. You seemed to forget New Orleans has no beaches.”
“We have a pool.”
“Oh, pul-leeze, Louise!”
“We went to St. Croix that winter. There was a clothing optional beach at our resort. I looked great in that, too. I wondered where it had gone. You were just jealous and didn’t want to share the spotlight.”
“David, like you said earlier, it isn’t always about me. Hiding this was about saving you from yourself. Sometimes less is more, and sometimes less is too much. If you’re going nude, do it. Don’t wear a slingshot!” His partner’s ego was obviously deflated, so Charles changed the subject. “We’re off-track again. We need to stay on the highway to job done.”
“You’re right of course. I’ll be right back,” David announced as he exited the bedroom. Charles could hear him pattering down the hall. When David returned he was wearing a fiberglass boot cast and walking on crutches.
“What on earth are you doing, David?” Charles inquired incredulously.
“I’d love to help you and then go out tonight, but you see, my bad leg is acting up,” David moaned.
“Shame on you, Baby Jane, makin’ fun of my unfortunate confinement due to my sports injury.
“Sports injury?” David chortled. “We went to Gay Night at the Strike ‘N’ Spare. You slipped on the lane and followed your ball into the gutter. Talk about karma! Sports injury my ass!
“Bowling is a sport! I broke my ankle! Sometimes you are heartless, David, heartless!”
David was still laughing when he broke into a song from the musical Funny Girl, “Do for me, buy for me, lift me, carry me ―”
Charles tried to be unamused. “Listen, Fanny Brice, I told you I hated to ask you to do everything for me. You said you didn’t mind!”
David smiled contritely and kissed Charles on the forehead. “I didn’t mind. I’d have given my life for you, Antoinette Perry, if ever given the chance. I just thought since we were telling exercise and fitness stories, we should include you is all.”
“Alright then. I get points for being a trooper and going ahead with our plans. You thought we should cancel.”
“That’s because, Charles, I didn’t realize you were capable of such an award-winning performance as the brave little invalid.”
“Funny, David, that you didn’t back away when my bad leg put us at the front of the boarding line. And, Nurse Cratchette, you didn’t refuse any of the extras we got form the flight attendants, again, because of my bad leg. So don’t tell me I’m not the ideal patient.”
“You were absolutely brilliant, you Highness. You had that muscle-bound surfer carrying you to and from the beach, while his boyfriend carried your towel, umbrella, cosmetics satchel, and cocktail,” David humorously recalled.
“If you please, David, tell the court what, if anything, you carried?”
Very seriously, David answered, “My towel and my cocktail.”
“Where was your sunscreen, David?”
Sheepishly, David answered, “In your cosmetics satchel.”
“I see,” sighed Charles. “So, Joan of Arc, don’t act like you didn’t also benefit from the pain and suffering caused by my bad leg! Imagine, profiting from a helpless invalid. Have you no shame, sir?”
David howled with laughter on hearing this. “What-ev-ah! We need to get back to business here if you plan to push me out the door on time. What’s next?”
Just then Charles spotted a large black trash bag sitting in the far corner of the room and walked over to it. “David? What’s this? I don’t remember seeing this trash bag before.”
David shot an alarmed glance in Charles’ direction. “That? It’s just trash. What else could it be? I’ll take it out with me when I go out this evening. We have plenty to attend to without worrying about that.”
Charles wasn’t giving up. “It looks like there’s a lot of stuff in it. Maybe we should double check to make sure ―”
“Leave it. Leave it!” Charles demanded as he grabbed the bag and deposited in the closet. “Don’t give it another thought, Charles. I told you it’s nothing but trash to be thrown away. I’ll take care of it!”
“Fine. What about these?” Charles asked holding up black leather chaps and arm bands as though they were totally distasteful to him.
David grinned form ear to ear. “Yeah, baby. My favorites. Remember, Slaveboy?’
“Ha-ha-ha. You thought you were so fuckin’ funny!”
“You didn’t laugh at the time; neither of us did. When I came home that night and found you in bed with that other guy, I thought I had lost you.”
Charles threw the leather items to the floor. “Lost me? I thought you were going to kill me. I only brought him home to spice things up. I thought you were getting bored with me. We had talked about having a three-way, so it wasn’t like I had brought some trick home. You really freaked!”
“Sure, we talked about it, Charles, but nothing was ever decided. It would have been nice to go prowling for mister-in-the-middle together. Before we did that, however, I thought we needed to figure out some ground rules. Instead, I walked in on your own little scene.”
. ~ .
“Sorry, Charles. I was just remembering something Boops said to me once.”
“I bet it was about me. Did you tell her everything about us?”
“No-oo, I didn’t tell her everything. What makes you think it was about you, anyway? Is your ego that big, or are you that insecure?”
“Whenever you had your private visits with her, it was usually to discuss me, weren’t they?”
“Not exactly, not all the time. There are things between us that I consider too sacred to share with a friend, even a close friend like Boops.”
“Like what, for instance. Tell me something about us that you never told Boops.”
“Okay. For instance, once when we first met she tried to find out what you were like in bed. She made a comment in such a way as to dare me to contradict her.”
“Oh, yeah, what did she say?” Charles demanded.
“She said she bet you were like a boy in more ways than one.”
“So she thought I’m poorly equipped! I hope you set her straight,” Charles huffed.
“I did no such thing. I told her that was nothing she needed to be concerned with because I was satisfied.”
“Satisfied? You never told her that I’m hung bigger than you?”
“Charles, that’s something I would never breathe to a living soul,” David said assuredly with a grin.
“Never mind!” Charles scowled. “Enough of idle talk. We still have quite a bit to get done before you have to get ready to go out this evening. Speaking of which, here is your tuxedo, but I can’t find mine anywhere.”
“Perhaps it’s at the cleaners. You’re always forgetting to pick things up and I never know what you’ve dropped off,” David offered by means of explanation to change the subject.
“I just hope it hasn’t been lost. I love that tux. You bought it for me to attend the Metropolitan Opera. That was my first trip to New York, remember? You know I’ve always said that I want―”
“Yes, Charles! I know what you’ve always said about that goddamned tux,” David snapped. “We’ll find it, okay?”
“No need to get your panties in a wad, Muriel! At least you have yours to wear tonight” Charles replied.
“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go off on you like that, especially to now. Now about tonight―”
“How many times do I have to go through this with you, David? You have to go. You’re going. That’s the end of it!” Charles stated emphatically.
“But there’s so much to be done here. I hate the thought of goin’ out and seein’ people without you.”
Charles wrapped his arms around David and pressed him to his heart. “Don’t be silly, Loverman. You and I have gone stag to things before; business functions where our relationship would not have been deemed appropriate. It’s just how things worked out sometimes. This is a very special night. I don’t mind, David.”
Pushing away, David spat, “But I do! Especially this time. I mean it, Charles. Please don’t make me leave you.”
“David, c’mon now, really! A lot of trouble has be gone to and a lot of money spent on this party. You should want to go. It means a lot to me to know that you’ll be there with people you know.”
“But, Charles―” David pleaded.
“No, buts! I’m perfectly fine here. I’ll do what I can to finish up and then will probably go on to the new place.”
“No!” David protested. “I want you here when I get home!”
“David, my love, I said I will do what I can here and check on things at the new place. I will see you in the morning. Period, end of discussion.”
Realizing that there was nothing to do but give in David replied, “Okay, fine. Let’s not spend the rest of our afternoon arguing.”
Triumphantly, Charles cheered his lover’s surrender. “That’s the spirit! Besides, you know I’m right. Who was it who said you never say no to me without a gasp of astonishment? Did I miss the gasp? Do it again for me so I can hear it,” Charles teased.
“Rule one about arguing: no gloating.”
“My God, David, where would we be without your rules.” Charles continued separating clothes from a large pile. “What about these sweaters. They’re nice but I don’t want them anymore. Do you want to keep them or should I put them in the donation box?”
David was busy with sorting of his own and so responded without looking up. “Cashmere, silk, or wool?” he asked.
“Wool,” Charles answered.
“Donation box,” David said. As Charles pitched them individually into the box, one of them caught David’s eye. “Wait a minute,” he said as he stood and walked over to the carton. He picked up the sweater in question and sniffed at it. “I’ll keep this one.”
Seeing David sniff at the garment sent Charles into laughter. “You look like you just took a hit of poppers!” he finally managed to exclaim. “Let me take a whiff of that!” Charles grabbed the sweater back and smelled it. “I should have known: Obsession for Men. Shouldn’t it have been called Obsession with Men?”
David just laughed and shook his head, “It was your sweater and your cologne.”
Charles dismissed the accusation. “Whatever. Keep it, if you want to. What about these jeans? Do you want to sniff at the crotches first?”
“Cunt.” David replied. “Let’s only keep the thirty-one inch waists. Those would be mine. Yours you can do with―”
“And you called me a ―. Wait a minute. What did you just call me?” Charles demanded to know.
David flashed an innocent smile and said quietly, “I said we should only save the thirty-one inch waists and you can do whatever you want with the rest of them.”
Charles wasn’t about to let him off the hook that easily. “No, no, no. There was a c-word in there somewhere and it wasn’t Charles!”
David acted oblivious to what Charles had said and continued as though he hadn’t been interrupted. “Doctor Phil says if we don’t keep our larger clothes, we won’t expand back into them.”
“Planning a new diet, Sugar? Why? You’re already sexy and trim as you are.” Then the light went on in Charles’ brain. “Hey, are you saying my jeans are too big for you?”
“Get with the times. They aren’t’ called ‘diets’ anymore. The new term is ‘lifestyle change.’ For the record, I never said you’re fat. I just need to remember that there is no comfort for me in food. That’s all.”
“Sometimes, my love, you worry me,” Charles said.
“I worry you? Mister Pot, are we to understand you have evidence to present to this court?” David was clearly surprised at the notion he ever caused anyone a moment of worry.
“Actually,” Charles began as he walked over to the dresser. He pulled open one of the drawers and felt around in the back of it until he found the evidence he sought. Presenting a thong he asked, “Remember this, Sweet Cheeks? Three weeks of a personal trainer, though let us keep in mind it was only two one-hour sessions per week, and you were ready to strut your stuff on the beach. You seemed to forget New Orleans has no beaches.”
“We have a pool.”
“Oh, pul-leeze, Louise!”
“We went to St. Croix that winter. There was a clothing optional beach at our resort. I looked great in that, too. I wondered where it had gone. You were just jealous and didn’t want to share the spotlight.”
“David, like you said earlier, it isn’t always about me. Hiding this was about saving you from yourself. Sometimes less is more, and sometimes less is too much. If you’re going nude, do it. Don’t wear a slingshot!” His partner’s ego was obviously deflated, so Charles changed the subject. “We’re off-track again. We need to stay on the highway to job done.”
“You’re right of course. I’ll be right back,” David announced as he exited the bedroom. Charles could hear him pattering down the hall. When David returned he was wearing a fiberglass boot cast and walking on crutches.
“What on earth are you doing, David?” Charles inquired incredulously.
“I’d love to help you and then go out tonight, but you see, my bad leg is acting up,” David moaned.
“Shame on you, Baby Jane, makin’ fun of my unfortunate confinement due to my sports injury.
“Sports injury?” David chortled. “We went to Gay Night at the Strike ‘N’ Spare. You slipped on the lane and followed your ball into the gutter. Talk about karma! Sports injury my ass!
“Bowling is a sport! I broke my ankle! Sometimes you are heartless, David, heartless!”
David was still laughing when he broke into a song from the musical Funny Girl, “Do for me, buy for me, lift me, carry me ―”
Charles tried to be unamused. “Listen, Fanny Brice, I told you I hated to ask you to do everything for me. You said you didn’t mind!”
David smiled contritely and kissed Charles on the forehead. “I didn’t mind. I’d have given my life for you, Antoinette Perry, if ever given the chance. I just thought since we were telling exercise and fitness stories, we should include you is all.”
“Alright then. I get points for being a trooper and going ahead with our plans. You thought we should cancel.”
“That’s because, Charles, I didn’t realize you were capable of such an award-winning performance as the brave little invalid.”
“Funny, David, that you didn’t back away when my bad leg put us at the front of the boarding line. And, Nurse Cratchette, you didn’t refuse any of the extras we got form the flight attendants, again, because of my bad leg. So don’t tell me I’m not the ideal patient.”
“You were absolutely brilliant, you Highness. You had that muscle-bound surfer carrying you to and from the beach, while his boyfriend carried your towel, umbrella, cosmetics satchel, and cocktail,” David humorously recalled.
“If you please, David, tell the court what, if anything, you carried?”
Very seriously, David answered, “My towel and my cocktail.”
“Where was your sunscreen, David?”
Sheepishly, David answered, “In your cosmetics satchel.”
“I see,” sighed Charles. “So, Joan of Arc, don’t act like you didn’t also benefit from the pain and suffering caused by my bad leg! Imagine, profiting from a helpless invalid. Have you no shame, sir?”
David howled with laughter on hearing this. “What-ev-ah! We need to get back to business here if you plan to push me out the door on time. What’s next?”
Just then Charles spotted a large black trash bag sitting in the far corner of the room and walked over to it. “David? What’s this? I don’t remember seeing this trash bag before.”
David shot an alarmed glance in Charles’ direction. “That? It’s just trash. What else could it be? I’ll take it out with me when I go out this evening. We have plenty to attend to without worrying about that.”
Charles wasn’t giving up. “It looks like there’s a lot of stuff in it. Maybe we should double check to make sure ―”
“Leave it. Leave it!” Charles demanded as he grabbed the bag and deposited in the closet. “Don’t give it another thought, Charles. I told you it’s nothing but trash to be thrown away. I’ll take care of it!”
“Fine. What about these?” Charles asked holding up black leather chaps and arm bands as though they were totally distasteful to him.
David grinned form ear to ear. “Yeah, baby. My favorites. Remember, Slaveboy?’
“Ha-ha-ha. You thought you were so fuckin’ funny!”
“You didn’t laugh at the time; neither of us did. When I came home that night and found you in bed with that other guy, I thought I had lost you.”
Charles threw the leather items to the floor. “Lost me? I thought you were going to kill me. I only brought him home to spice things up. I thought you were getting bored with me. We had talked about having a three-way, so it wasn’t like I had brought some trick home. You really freaked!”
“Sure, we talked about it, Charles, but nothing was ever decided. It would have been nice to go prowling for mister-in-the-middle together. Before we did that, however, I thought we needed to figure out some ground rules. Instead, I walked in on your own little scene.”
. ~ .
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